childhood memories-none good-spoiler
Question:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Spoiler, cuz I don’t know what’s coming out. (some talk of self-h*rm, bodily functions) No splats 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 my sister–always having to live up to her and her accomplishments. we are 13 months apart. she was always good, except to me. she tormented me on a regular basis because she knew i wouldn’t tell. she would push and push and push until i would explode and physically attack her. she would yell for our parents and i would get into trouble. never her, cuz i wouldn’t tell about the 100 things she did to me before i hit her. she was a straight A student. what a weight for me to carry on my shoulders. i tried as best i could but it was never good enough. math confounded me (still does), science, chemistry, physics–all torture to me. my mind could never visualize this stuff. i still use my fingers to add and subtract. i feel like an idiot. i remember trying to kill my sister once just to end her torment of me. my father ripped the wooden spear out of my hands just in time. i felt no remorse for having tried. only sorry i failed. we have a somewhat better relationship as adults. she’s there for and i’m too scared to try and tell her.
You know Domino, I have four sisters, and I know that though relationships do get better, there is always that bit of sibling rivalry that just stays there. And let me tell you, my sister who is two years older than me was kind of like that perfect sister too. There was a song out long ago I remember too, one of the lines was "your sister was always the pretty one …." story of my life, and on top of everything, I was really lonely and she would not let me hang around her. But you know about 5 years or so ago, she said how guilty she felt about the way she treated me and she was really so sorry. And you know I certainly did not forgive her overnight, took like a couple of years. But I believe she is sincere. Maybe just talking a little at a time to your sister might be helpful, I don’t know. I would just remember though that the sibling relationship is never a real quick fix though, but it does get better if the siblings work at it, and want to. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – nail biting–regular basis. still do. am doing it now. nervous habit. don’t you wanna have nice hands, domino?? please don’t bite your nails. tried that nasty tasting stuff that you paint on your nails. ya know what? if you keep biting even with that stuff on, eventually you can’t even taste it anymore. more offers of bribes to get me to stop doing this. picking (at body)–still do it. do it for hours if i can get the time. loved to have cuts, bruises, etc. on body, still do. always used to "enhance" them to keep them around longer. hit bruises over and over again. re-open cuts, keep them there longer. cut, scratch–liked to do it, but had hard time hiding stuff/explaining it satisfactorily (mother was very observant) as adult, i have some great scars. i worked for 4 1/2 years at the beastie place that "ghyie" speaks about. have great scars from being attacked by ocelots, tigers, etc. those are great–they always took a looooong time to heal! i miss getting them 
no more physical evidence of my intense emotional pain. :( i want to get hurt. i must be being punished–father spanked with wooden paddle or made me stand in a corner all day with nose to wall. he liked that paddle–i hated him for it being made to feel different–have noticeable birth mark on face–big source of childhood embarrassment. kids always laughed and made fun–domino’s got a grape kool aid mustache!!! wipe your mouth domino!! recovering in hospital from surgery to help correct bed wetting (didn’t work)–one nurse was soooo mean to me. i was hooked up to all kinds of tubes. in a bed with rails all around. i was five years old. couldn’t get out of bed. groggy, sleepy. middle of night. couldn’t get help. had a bowel movement in the bed. nurse berated me about it and made me feel dirty and stupid. i was making more work for her and she resented it. she was there to care for me and she didn’t want to. do you know what this is?? do YOU know what this IS?? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS??? IT’S SHIT….. i cry just thinking about it. more shame and embarrassment. i the halls of the hospital carrying a gallon container which held all my urine. that was humiliating. domino, you must walk to regain your strength. here, carry this. why didn’t they just make me walk down the
The above is very sad, Domino, the kind that does make one weep. I know that kind of nurse, that burned-out, overworked nurse that has been hardened to emotion, maybe not even knowing the pain she has caused you all these years. I just try to focus on the few real humane nurses I have had in my life, and there have been some, Domino; and I hope you have had some too. wild mood swings–now i wonder, were they mood swings, or was i switching personalities?? i still don’t know. there’s tons more memories–just like these. none of them good. all of them having the effect of making me feel like a loser, a pain in the butt, a blemish on the face of mankind. everything i did was wrong. can’t talk about anymore of them–these are the ones that are printable. gotta go now, tears too much….. domino —
You know domino when I feel that tears are too much, I ride the LifeCycle for 24 minutes, and that makes me feel better, as long as I do it every day. It relieves some stress, if nothing else. Hope you feel better, domino joan
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Spoiler, cuz I don’t know what’s coming out. (some talk of self-h*rm, bodily functions) No splats 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 Maybe just talking a little at a time to your sister might be helpful, I don’t know. I would just remember though that the sibling relationship is never a real quick fix though, but it does get better if the siblings work at it, and want to. I almost told her the other day, but it wasn’t an appropriate time (lunch during the workday). I know I will tell her eventually. I need to tell someone. I am afraid that her response will response when I told him. Now I wonder……what does he think??????? I’m afraid to ask. He’s never been much for soul-searching, in-depth conversations (this, btw, is NOT a slam on him–just a statement of fact). I’m afraid he just doesn’t know what to say. I do know that he loves me and wants me to be happy. THAT is important!!
Domino, I have a brother-in-law like that too. It sounds like he just wants to stay neutral as long as he can until he is forced to get involved. Boyfriends/husbands are like in a different universe than our siblings I have found out. However, in some sisters you might find that they marry someone that is kind of like you, and that can be funny. More complexity… I see the neutrality as a sign of unconditioned love actually, as you seem to too. It follows of course that none of my sisters ever stay neutral with me, but I think we are all a little aware of the sibling rivalry. I hope things work out with your sister, Domino. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – You know domino when I feel that tears are too much, I ride the LifeCycle for 24 minutes, and that makes me feel better, as long as I do it every day. It relieves some stress, if nothing else. Hope you feel better, domino joan I am trying to get back into a exercise program. I always feel better when I exercise….but trying to find the time is hard (especially when I could be wallowing in self-pity instead!!!! 
I have lots of body pain–been diagnosed as fibromyalgia. I’m not sure that’s what it is but it does cause me problems especially after I am done exercising. I worked out yesterday and this morning my arms are almost numb. But I will carry on. Thanks for the suggestions, joan. domino
I had fibromyalgia years ago, and then I went to a Pain Clinic where I went a couple or three times a week to a physical therapist, a very good one. This went on for about a year and a half or maybe even two years. He did some kind of procedure called myofascial release and then after made me do some light weighttraining to strengthen the upper body, which is weak in most women anyway. This physical therapist cured me; I never had that problem any more, though I make sure I exercise regularly. joan
Response:
Hi Domino – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Spoiler, cuz I don’t know what’s coming out. (some talk of self-h*rm, bodily functions) No splats 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 what i remember (in random order): the comfort i got from sucking my thumb–or more precisely how much everyone else hated that i did it. my sister just up and announced one day that she was going to quit sucking hers. she did–just like that. i couldn’t. it was security for me. i used to pick a little piece of fuzz off of something and place it on my upper lip and rub it gently back and forth while i sucked my thumb. boy did that fuzz feel good. i sucked my thumb well into childhood and on rare occasions now, i feel the need to but my thumb doesn’t fit like it used to i remember getting into so much trouble for being a "big girl" and sucking my thumb. parents used to try and bribe me to quit but i couldn’t do it.
I Sucked my thum till 4 and still want to and im 40 had hot sauce put on my thumb and forced to suck it to break me oh that burned bed wetting–covered this in a gut wrenching post to joan. i start crying just thinking about it all. the shame is immense. more bribes offered if only i could stay dry. i couldn’t.
I did that too and use too hide the wet sheets and slip them in the wash hoping they werent found Domino your not a bad person just hurt – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -my sister–always having to live up to her and her accomplishments. we are 13 months apart. she was always good, except to me. she tormented me on a regular basis because she knew i wouldn’t tell. she would push and push and push until i would explode and physically attack her. she would yell for our parents and i would get into trouble. never her, cuz i wouldn’t tell about the 100 things she did to me before i hit her. she was a straight A student. what a weight for me to carry on my shoulders. i tried as best i could but it was never good enough. math confounded me (still does), science, chemistry, physics–all torture to me. my mind could never visualize this stuff. i still use my fingers to add and subtract. i feel like an idiot. i remember trying to kill my sister once just to end her torment of me. my father ripped the wooden spear out of my hands just in time. i felt no remorse for having tried. only sorry i failed. we have a somewhat better relationship as adults. she’s there for and i’m too scared to try and tell her.
im sorry your Sister treated you this way…but im glad their is some talking going on with you too maybe in time you can tell her about you all i bet she already senses it:) nail biting–regular basis. still do. am doing it now. nervous habit. don’t you wanna have nice hands, domino?? please don’t bite your nails. tried that nasty tasting stuff that you paint on your nails. ya know what? if you keep biting even with that stuff on, eventually you can’t even taste it anymore. more offers of bribes to get me to stop doing this.
Sigh…i still bite mine…but saftey now keeps mine short cause of my Littles Scratching bad picking (at body)–still do it. do it for hours if i can get the time. loved to have cuts, bruises, etc. on body, still do. always used to "enhance" them to keep them around longer. hit bruises over and over again. re-open cuts, keep them there longer. cut, scratch–liked to do it, but had hard time hiding stuff/explaining it satisfactorily (mother was very observant) as adult, i have some great scars. i worked for 4 1/2 years at the beastie place that "ghyie" speaks about. have great scars from being attacked by ocelots, tigers, etc. those are great–they always took a looooong time to heal! i miss getting them no more physical evidence of my intense emotional pain. :( i want to get hurt. i must be
No Domino you just hurt bad….and its a way you relive your pain but cant you try taking a rubber band and popping it hard on your wrist it hurts and for me it works stopped alot of cutting being punished–father spanked with wooden paddle or made me stand in a corner all day with nose to wall. he liked that paddle–i hated him for it
mine Back handed me across the face or worse paddling hurts i m sorry you were hurt that way:( being made to feel different–have noticeable birth mark on face–big source of childhood embarrassment. kids always laughed and made fun–domino’s got a grape kool aid mustache!!! wipe your mouth domino!!
Domino kids are dumb we waz caled fat an they shuldt mak funs of you theys bad kids too recovering in hospital from surgery to help correct bed wetting (didn’t work)–one nurse was soooo mean to me. i was hooked up to all kinds of tubes. in a bed with rails all around. i was five years old. couldn’t get out of bed. groggy, sleepy. middle of night. couldn’t get help. had a bowel movement in the bed. nurse berated me about it and made me feel dirty and stupid. i was making more work for her and she resented it. she was there to care for me and she didn’t want to. do you know what this is?? do YOU know what this IS?? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS??? IT’S SHIT….. i cry just thinking about it. more shame and embarrassment. i the halls of the hospital carrying a gallon container which held all my urine. that was humiliating. domino, you must walk to regain your strength. here, carry this. why didn’t they just make me walk down the
I SORY you wuz tretd bad hugs fors my frnd domno i sorys me be frnd toos you ok mystcal wild mood swings–now i wonder, were they mood swings, or was i switching personalities?? i still don’t know. there’s tons more memories–just like these. none of them good. all of them having the effect of making me feel like a loser, a pain in the butt, a blemish on the face of mankind. everything i did was wrong. can’t talk about anymore of them–these are the ones that are printable. gotta go now, tears too much….. Domino just keep talking let the pain out people do care
i would have answered sooner but i was in the hospital and last night went to bed a 8 from medication knocking me out i do care – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -domino Sherry At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Response:
Finally! A post from you came up on my server. Is this one of the ones, you spoke about? No matter. It sounds absolutely horrible that you were loaded with so much so often by parents, sister, etc. There was much the same with TN. I just can’t understand how parents can and do treat their kids with such nastiness and guilt-loading galore. You didn’t deserve any of that and I’m so sad that you had to deal with so much so young and that it still lays with you in causing you pain. Sierra
