Help! Whats wrong with me?
Question:
I have never been more frustrated ever! I started graduate school in January after being out of school for over 4 1/2 years. When I started, I was really excited about doing a lot of reading and research, only to discover that I was unable to focus while reading. My mind would wander off and I would be half-asleep all day, so nothing would get in my mind. Under extreme pressure (like right before a test), or when studying with people, my mind would be very alert. This inability to control myself drove me very close to suicide. I sufferred from the most insane depression! I tried everything. I went on diets, I took tons of vitamins, I read many books and spoke to 3 psychiatrists (This is list is very short compared to what I’ve tried and how much I’ve sufferred). I started getting beliefs about myself that I’m lazy and only do what gives me total pleasure, which depressed me even more. I am very intelligent, as I was an A student as an undergrad and got all A’s last semster just by studying right before an exam. This frustrates me even more. I have massive potential and ambition, but I feel there is something wrong with me. After too much frustration, tons more suffering and being very very close to suicide again, I read some info on the net on ADHD. It suddenly struck me that maybe this is what I’m suuffering from, so 3 weeks ago after consulting with my doctor I started on Ritalin. I saw an immediate effect when starting on it, I was able to focus better and my depression got a bit better, but after a couple of days, things started getting worse again, some days Ritalin was uneffective, I seemed to be half-asleep all day even if I doubled (and occassionally tripled) my dosage of Ritalin and had slept very well the night before. I seemed to be losing control again. Why can’t I be fully awake??! Even on the days when Ritalin is working I’m still not as awake as I would like to be, I am unable to get myself in that amazing state of being unbelievably awake, where I could read think and understand without any problems. Whenever I get any of these bad days with excessive daytime sleepiness, I can’t do anything all day, I have to wait till the next day to see if I will be more awake the next day. I get these bad sleepy days atleast 3 days a week. My life is falling apart, and suicide is crossing my mind again. Whats wrong with me? Am I suffering from a sleeping disorder? If so what medication can make me feel fully awake? Anybody have any ideas/related experiences? Bill
Response:
If I remeber right, some folks with ADD will get groggy if they have TOO MUCH stimulant. You might look into this. Also, you might check out Strattera. I haven’t had porblems feeling "awake" with that and it isn’t stimulant based, so it might do something better for you. All meds for ADD do not work the same nor will you have the same effects on it. Even among the stimulants. You could also have a co-morbid condition with say, depression (i.e. suicide thoughts) and such. Sleep patterns are another. If yours is not steady, you can hallucinate, be depressed, soaked for energy and not focus well as well. Don’t give up. There’s just to darn much of this world to explore and enjoy in spite of a few stupid "feelings" now and then trying to screw things up and get in the way. Sojo
Response:
I have never been more frustrated ever! I started graduate school in January after being out of school for over 4 1/2 years. When I started, I was really excited about doing a lot of reading and research, only to discover that I was unable to focus while reading. My mind would wander off and I would be half-asleep all day, so nothing would get in my mind. Under extreme pressure (like right before a test), or when studying with people, my mind would be very alert. This inability to control myself drove me very close to suicide.
(snip remainder – mostly more of the same, Ritalin helping some, but not enough) For me, Wellbutrin and Adderall are providing enough to keep me awake most days, but there’s still a bit of a struggle with wakefulness. On a bad day, I can end up fogged out, even on both of the meds. So, anyway: Ritalin alone might not be enough for you… if you’re a good candidate for Wellbutrin, well, it works well for me. With day-to-day sleepiness, exercise can help, and meditation can help. Really, what I do for tiredness is kind of a cross between meditation and napping… I take an image (my most common one is energy flowing up through me to a point above my head while I inhale, then letting the energy wash down over me, pulling away stress and anxiety with it, washing them into the earth). I concentrate on that image, and it doesn’t matter if my mind wanders… I just try to go back to the image every time it does. Done right, I kind-of go blank for fifteen minutes, and I wake up relaxed and refreshed. (A warning… feeling relaxed was *strange* the first time I came up from it. It’s almost like being tired, because my mind had hit an ‘at rest’ point. It wasn’t tiredness, but it was close enough that it made me nervous, until I realized that ‘relaxed’ was the right description.) If you’re like me, you can trap yourself into a tiredness producing activity. For example, I sometimes sit down at my computer and play a computer game, even though I’m bored with it. I’m not enjoying myself, and the boredom starts making me tired, but unless I’m aware of the risk, I don’t think to just stop playing and doing something else. It’s important to learn to break out of that kind of spiral. It’s also important to practice some mental discipline, and make yourself try to do things when you are tired. Sometimes, if you work hard enough, you break out of the fog and focus on something. Good luck getting help; tiredness/fogginess were my primary symptoms as well, and it was truly hellish before I was able to find help. — Everything I needed to know in life I learned in Kindergarten. Like: Once you pull the pin on Mr. Hand Grenade, he is no longer your friend.
Response:
Bill, Thoughts of suicide, difficulty concentrating, and sleep problems are all symptoms of depression. Multiple medications such as an anti-depressant and a stimulant may be needed when depresson and ADHD are both diagnosed. Let your doctor know what’s going on. Don’t give up, it may take a while to find out what meds work best for you.
Response:
I have never been more frustrated ever!
I see others have answered the substance of your post, so I hope you won’t be too offended if I suggest that you break up your posts into paragraphs, with blank lines between the paragraphs. Many ADDers have a hard time reading a large unbroken block of text, particularly on-screen.
