Never Ending Story……
Question:
I understand the issues here, but I think I have a slightly different version, namely that my version of quitting is being dead. I feel like I am just waiting to die, that it is so unpleasant being alive that being dead will be a comfort. I realize how selfish this sounds, but I really don’t know what to do about it–I would love any ideas anyone could throw out there for me!
Hi Petro: This is *not* good! Many of us have been in that black pit of despair I think. Please let us know a little more about what’s happening – do you suffer from PAs as well as feeling so depressed? There is help for severe depression. Have you checked out alt.support.depression? A lot of wonderfully helpful folks there too. Please keep in touch with us. No-one should be feeling like this without some support. We’d like to help if we can. Mally :)
Response:
I understand the issues here, but I think I have a slightly different version, namely that my version of quitting is being dead. I feel like I am just waiting to die, that it is so unpleasant being alive that being dead will be a comfort. I realize how selfish this sounds, but I really don’t know what to do about it–I would love any ideas anyone could throw out there for me!
Petro, I must admit that I have felt the same way. Even now I sometimes feel like I can not take any more of this (GAD plus unemployment – constant fears about money or lack thereof – being all alone in this world – and frankly, dealing with this stuff is NOT the worst thing I have had to deal with in my life). HOWEVER, I realize that what I really want is NOT to die, but to feel better. I really just want to be able to enjoy my life. I remind myself of this when I get to feeling poorly. Suicide is soooo permanent. This is the only chance we get at life. So no matter how bad I may feel at times, I know that this is the only chance I have to live. So I have a good cry (which helps me feel better) and I get up and go on trying. Because life is worth it – no matter how much we may hurt – there are still some good things around and there is still HOPE. But the hope comes from me being willing to work hard to not let this defeat me. I know for myself I have come too far and have been through too much to give up now. As dear ole Elliott always says – YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! hang in there, Pegi
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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I understand the issues here, but I think I have a slightly different version, namely that my version of quitting is being dead. I feel like I am just waiting to die, that it is so unpleasant being alive that being dead will be a comfort. I realize how selfish this sounds, but I really don’t know what to do about it–I would love any ideas anyone could throw out there for me! Hi Petro: This is *not* good! Many of us have been in that black pit of despair I think. Please let us know a little more about what’s happening – do you suffer from PAs as well as feeling so depressed? There is help for severe depression. Have you checked out alt.support.depression? A lot of wonderfully helpful folks there too. Please keep in touch with us. No-one should be feeling like this without some support. We’d like to help if we can.
Wow, that was one of the nicest messages I have received yet here! Thanks so much for caring. I have had a few PA’s, enough to know that they are not fun! But I am on Paxil right now, which seems to be helping with my anxiety immensely. My problem is that now I have to figure out a means of dealing with all the stuff that was making me anxious before, which is causing a lot of the depression. And then I get anxious again, which starts the cycle all over again. Sometimes I *really* just want to cut that big worry part out of my head! But I have been getting a lot of support here and in therapy, and especially from my boyfriend, who has an extreme love for life and me. I am trying to learn how to look forward to getting better, not to dying. I think once I learn how to get thorugh worrying about everything, how to work through and not just dwell upon, things will look up (I hope). I am keeping up on asd, which is pretty great, too. Thanks again, and (((((((((((great people like you)))))))))))))
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Your last line..I have gotten through another day without problems…that is an accomplishment to be very thankful for. I have been having a really difficult time the last 5 days. Major panic attacks. I would give anything to be back to where I was, just getting through the days as best as I can. I forget sometimes, how bad it can get. Donna
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Your last line..I have gotten through another day without problems…that is an accomplishment to be very thankful for. I have been having a really difficult time the last 5 days. Major panic attacks. I would give anything to be back to where I was, just getting through the days as best as I can. I forget sometimes, how bad it can get. Donna
Donna, I am *so* sorry to hear this. Did something precipitate this resurgence of severe panic attacks? I hope you get through this quickly…. I do the same thing, no matter how bad the panic times have been, I’m always surprised when I go through it again. It’s like my mind can’t handle the severity of it all, and I forget the pain…much like women describe after a labor and delivery. My wish for you is peace and serenity, -Kendra "In the near future, this will all be a thing of the past"
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-Kendra "In the near future, this will all be a thing of the past"
Hello Kendra, Someday in the future, these will be the "good old days". Whoops, that doesn’t sound so hot. Regards, John Daly
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Thank you so much Mally for you input. I think you put your finger on it when you mentioned a supportive husband. Mine tries to be but just can not understand this disorder after all these years. He is a very successful business man and all the trips I have been on were to help his career or was some sort of reward trip. Once I have gotten there I manage to have a pretty good time but getting there is a living hell and I am getting to the point where I don’t want to go thru it just to get to another country. I love my home as we just moved to a condo and I have everything to do in my own backyard. Last year I put my foot down about going so much and it did cause some marital discord and we went to a marriage counselor. It ended up the way it has always ended up and that is me just giving in to keep the peace. Because I push so hard and swallow all those feelings while traveling, he just expects that now and keeps on planning. Right now he is planning a trip to Ireland next spring and I won’t even talk about it. How do I just say noooo. I am not going to Ireland? And my friends are just as bad. If I said, I am not going to Ireland they say things like let me go in your place, put me in your bag, or the worst one is .. You are so lucky to have these opportunities. I don’t feel lucky at all.. I just want some peace and quiet and to feel some calm within myself and for me to be in control of my own destiny. I wonder if that is possible and to stay married. I have been married 26 years and it is just too late to start over. I do go within as you put it but my lifestyle jerks me out of it as soon as I am comfortable. I am going to do as you suggested though and write down some things that make me calm and feel good. ahh such a delima…. Thanks again for your time and thoughts. Laura — __ __ / ./ /_ __{^_ _}_ ) }/^ ( (__)_)_/ ) __,–’
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I am not new to this group. I tend to come and go but try to read as much as possible. I post on occasion but tend to stay low key. Most of the time when I post it is on a positive note and I think I have all this panic stuff conquered after 15+ years. But it seems the older I get the less fight I have in me. I have had to fight panic all these years and have been on Xanax all of these years.
<words deleted to save space Hi, Laura – I found your post tremendously touching. I imagine I won’t be alone in empathising with the sheer *exhaustion* you feel. I know one shouldn’t pass comments like this but you do sound depressed – and I mean *real* depression, not just a transient gloominess. One of the nastier aspects of being in that state (if that is what’s wrong) is that one doesn’t feel like getting help – even if it’s available. I wonder if you had ever mentioned this feeling to your pshrink? You say that s/he just gives you repeats – perhaps you could try at least expressing some of what you’ve said here to him/her? If need be, you could even print out your own post and let your pshrink read that. Your comment about giving up and staying at home is contentious, it seems to me. On the one hand, it could be allowing yourself to lapse into agoraphobia (as I have done twice in my life) but on the other it could be that you are reaching towards a lifestyle which is closer to what *real* you wants – as opposed to a lifestyle conforming to other people’s expectations. Only you can know the truth of that – and maybe even you won’t know the until you have sat and talked that over (in some great depth). Maybe you have friends or relatives you could talk to about this? If not (and much as I have to grit my teeth when I type this) it might even be worth finding a professional counsellor to talk with. As long as they can be pegged to specific issues, and not allowed to use your entire life as a meal ticket, they can be useful 
I’d say discuss it with your husband, but that sounds like it might be hard if he is the type who pushes. It may be that a detached third party might be more objective. If your lifestyle is a maintaining cause then it possibly could be a good idea to stop driving yourself and being driven, but it’s got to be carefully weighed and considered. I really *would* talk to my pshrink, though, and if need be, I’d bring my next appointment forward to do it. Hope that’s some help, — Gary Cooper
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Thank you Susan for the advice. I am a Christian and attend a Methodist church. I believe in prayer and I guess it has gotten me this far.. I don’t think it is my spirituality that needs help. When the physical takes you over it is a hard thing to deal with and prayers are not always answered when you need it most. I need to know what I can do in the meantime. I have gotten thru another day without any problems and for this I am greatful. But I am still tired of fighting "dragons". Laura — __ __ / ./ /_ __{^_ _}_ ) }/^ ( (__)_)_/ ) __,–’
Response:
I understand the issues here, but I think I have a slightly different version, namely that my version of quitting is being dead. I feel like I am just waiting to die, that it is so unpleasant being alive that being dead will be a comfort. I realize how selfish this sounds, but I really don’t know what to do about it–I would love any ideas anyone could throw out there for me!
** Oh, man, I’ve been there. But it really got better; no, MUCH better. Going from panic attack to panic attack, and thinking it was all me, was too much for me. I didn’t know which way to turn. But guess what? It’s not me, it’s a disorder that "can" be helped and controlled (if not beaten). Proper professional help was the key for me, and now I’m happy, married (do the two go together?;-), productive….. I’m not "over the mountain" but I’m climbing. I’ll never stop. Stay with it Petro. It’s worth it, and it does get better. You must believe in that. — Used wisely, your 2
