Therapists and Caring SPOILERED
Question:
post/mail to Crackers. comments interspersed – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – posted/e-mailed :) Hi! This is Crackers. I’m going to spoiler this after e’s replies. Angry about therapist and caring. Fume! Maybe I ought to ditch my therapist, maybe I don’t need therapy. This is the first time I’ve gone into long-term therapy anyway (1 year at present). <snips I have real problems with my t’pist caring about me. I think it’s bc of the unusual nature of the therapeutic relationship. Bc he’s my t’pist, I can’t really know him. Therefore, I feel like he is (and should be) remote. But if he cares about me, it feels like he’s close. So I feel like I’m being given a set of contradictory commands: remain distant bc this is a professional relationship and you can’t know me well but be close bc I care about you. It just makes me confused.
I didn’t see Crackers’ original post about this, but I guess I see therapy a bit differently. I don’t feel ‘close’ to my t’pst. I try to be honest, face things, reflect on what goes on, but frankly (and maybe selfishly), because it is of benefit to me. In friendships, there is much give and take, ups and downs – an inherent part as far as I’m concerned as long as you get 2 people together. I expect that, and I am also aware of my many failures at NOT being ‘available’ when a friend needs my support. As a client, I would be devastated if the t’pst wasn’t available. I absolutely NEED the consistency that this professional relationship provides. I NEED the artificiality of it. It is just because it is what it is that I am able to share things that you can bet I wouldn’t want my friends to know about! Does this make any sense? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -<snips Thanks for your reply, Crackers. It helped me think about why I don’t like my t’pist’s concern. e spoiler 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Hi e, Your reply has set off a different reaction in me. Maybe I don’t want my therapist to care after all, it DOES feel awfully strange to be in a one sided relationship. Maybe I don’t want to do therapy after all. Maybe I ought to quit while I’m ahead. If closeness means this kind of a weird relationship, I don’t know if I want to be up for it. I don’t like being just another neurotic to my therapist, and because of the nature of our relationship_this is all it can ever be.
Can you explain further what you mean by ‘neurotic’? My therapist has told me lots of times the relationship is unilateral, lopsided. I’m to know nothing about him, while I tell him everything about me. My therapist has told me many times that when our therapy relationship is over, he’ll go his way and I’ll go mine.
As far as I’m concerned, that’s actually one of my goals! That I won’t need therapy anymore. Maybe we’ll both feel a little bit sad perhaps, but hopefully the good will outweigh the bad. I don’t know if I really want to involve myself if a caring relationship with someone who has done their level best to keep me at an arm’s and then some.
So you feel that he keeps you at arm’s length? Maybe this is another difference, because while I’m careful/cautious to not ask many personal questions about the professionals that work with me, I do have a general idea of who they are, married or not, kids, that sort of general thing. Gee – maybe I should be more curious about them then I am? I remember how surprised I was to learn that they actually think about me beyond the 50 minutes that I see them… When I mention my perps, my therapist has given me the impression that they weren’t so bad. If they weren’t so bad, why am I dissociative? The bad stuff I’ve done, I’m fully accountable for. I need to take the responsibility for all my parts. I don’t get a break, but my perps do.
This concerns me. Concerns me a lot. Raises my hackles. Have you shared with him that you get the impression that he is sorta _defending_ your perps to you? no, we don’t like this *at all*. Maybe I ought to ditch my therapist, I’ve done that before. Always easier to call after hours and leave a message on the machine "Hi! I’m canceling my next appointment and I don’t want to reschedule another". Click. Would he even care? Maybe I don’t want to be healthy if being healthy involves caring, caring for me is not in the best interest of self preservation.
Do you feel that you can discuss all this with this individual? Lay it on the line? Is this person a good "match" for what you are needing? Crackers, above all, we are encouraging you to go with your gut instinct on this. Take care of yourself. And we mean it. Trillium Grumbling, an Angry Crackers — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
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Response:
posted/e-mailed Hi Trillium, Catching up here on my correspondence at long last <g I was up with insomnia at an early hour of the morning, like 4 AM. Maybe just because I’m getting used to my higher dose of Zoloft? Don’t know quite what’s up, but anyway.
on Thursday, March 06, 1997 5:00 AM post/mail to Crackers. comments interspersed posted/e-mailed :)
<snipped e’s part, okay?) I didn’t see Crackers’ original post about this, but I guess I see therapy a bit differently. I don’t feel ‘close’ to my t’pst. I try to be honest, face things, reflect on what goes on, but frankly (and maybe selfishly), because it is of benefit to me. In friendships, there is much give and take, ups and downs – an inherent part as far as I’m concerned as long as you get 2 people together. I expect that, and I am also aware of my many failures at NOT being ‘available’ when a friend needs my support.
C: I need to reply to this. I was surprised and devastated to discover that I liked my therapist as a person. I did not expect to see him as anything other than a tool to aid me in my recovery. This maybe the longest *I’ve* ever been in therapy (10 months), but I’ve probably seen 10 psychologists/psychiatrists in my life-or at least close to it. What disturbs me is I’ve haven’t ever seen therapists, or anyone else for that matter, as human before. I actually *see* my therapist as a complex person with a variety of roles that he takes on that further define who *he* is from his center of self. I always had to choose a role or part to play, and then work backward and develop a self from there. I work from the out to a center, while my therapist works from the center on out. It saddens me to realize that this is the first time I’ve had this realization, and I won’t be able to develop any kind of personable relationship with him. Even so called "normals" aren’t always available to give support in their various relationships. Come to think of it, I’ve been the worse hurt by people that did pass as normals :p Trillium: As a client, I would be devastated if the t’pst wasn’t available. I absolutely NEED the consistency that this professional relationship provides. I NEED the artificiality of it. It is just because it is what it is that I am able to share things that you can bet I wouldn’t want my friends to know about! Does this make any sense?
C: Yes, this makes sense. I kind of assume my therapist won’t be able to make it in time if I have a crisis. My therapist has always said I can call and leave a message anytime, but can’t guarantee when he’ll be able to call back. Therapist suggested that I find other forms of support, that’s part of the reason I joined Parents Anonymous. It’s good that you have what you need in your professional relationship. I feel I’ve been artificial all my life, and would have liked this relationship as a chance to try being real. Unfortunately, this relationship is only a place where I can learn such things exist, I guess then I’ll get to go out and test the waters of real life. <snips Can you explain further what you mean by ‘neurotic’?
C: Neurotic is a class of mental disorders that include dissociation, Anxiety, Phobias, hysterical conversion, others too. With a neurosis one maintains intact reality testing, and is not psychotic <Snips So you feel that he keeps you at arm’s length? Maybe this is another difference, because while I’m careful/cautious to not ask many personal questions about the professionals that work with me, I do have a general idea of who they are, married or not, kids, that sort of general thing. Gee – maybe I should be more curious about them then I am? I remember how surprised I was to learn that they actually think about me beyond the 50 minutes that I see them…
C: I have a general idea about my therapist, but I just have an unsettling feeling when I think about him. It’s like I want to know how HIS mind works, I’m fascinated by the way he thinks. <snips Trillium: This concerns me. Concerns me a lot. Raises my hackles. Have you shared with him that you get the impression that he is sorta _defending_ your perps to you? no, we don’t like this *at all*.
C: Well, my therapist seems to be big on the forgiving, or just leave it alone because you’ll know when you’ll be able to handle it type. Trillium: Crackers, above all, we are encouraging you to go with your gut instinct on this. Take care of yourself. And we mean it. Trillium
Thank you Trillium, I hope the best for you too. I think my therapist is a good match. There’s just something about him that I have not found with other therapists. Something there that encourages me to continue this work 
Hope and Peace, Crackers — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
