The First Heart-Break
Question:
I can’t remember how long it has been going on. I am in my bed now trying to sleep and escape them. I don’t want any part of their madness.. "Go away, I don’t want to hear you any more"
Troll, this sounds like a reoccurring night terror for you. I take it this stems from a real incident from childhood. I am sorry if I missed the explanation but I am trying to put this into something I can understand. I don’t remember when mom and Mandy invaded my room and they are sitting on my bed and I am between them crying.
I am wondering if they came into your bedroom at night or in the morning. I would find it intimidating to have two people that close and trying to convince me of something. Dad is here now too the last invader all in my private space where I came to escape them.
You seem to have been hunted down and when your father came with your mother into your room you felt like there was no place left to feel safe and alone. Everyone needs a "Please Knock" sign on their bedroom door. I did not go in to my children’s bedrooms without permission…..as they got older. And I cannot escape …yes I can yes I can Dad: "So there is two of them for you right now" I don’t really know what he meant but I know how I interpretted it.
I don’t understand this at all. How did you interpret your Dad’s statement? And I started to scream …The first heart-break occurred and my family was gone now. I had left them in that moment. I abandoned my mother and sister inside myself I stopped loving them in that moment because I could no longer take it.
In other words you shut down and stopped feeling because the pain was so intense and you needed to protect yourself. What was it that led you to this point? I wrote that night "That rats are the first to leave a sinking ship"
Did you feel that your were a rat or that your mother and sisters abandoned you? I walked the streets alone thru the early morning. I saw some skunks go by and that was something nice for me at least.
How old were you when you were out walking the streets all night? I found a tree I knew where someone had built a platform up high. I climbed in and spent the night there. It was late autumn or early winter and had rained all night. I was saturated and shivering in the morning.
Isn’t it interesting that we will put up with the terrible conditions to our physical well-being, just to escape the horror of our emotional life. I went to a girls home. Later I got a call from Mom asking to come home. Dad was "flipping out" and something bad would happen if I did not return. I returned home .. .but really I never did. I have been completely alone except for Rocky ever since.
So you had managed to stay cut off from them and refused to let them enter into your inner world after you went home? Who is Rocky? I am sorry if you answered all this before, but I missed it and I want to understand what you are saying. "The less doubler I get, the more me-er I become"
I know that I should understand this, but what are you saying? Sorry if I didn’t get in on what you may have said earlier, I hope you don’t mind explaining. Blessings and concern, Mary – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – AngryTroll
Response:
I can’t remember how long it has been going on. I am in my bed now trying to sleep and escape them. I don’t want any part of their madness.. "Go away, I don’t want to hear you any more" I don’t remember when mom and Mandy invaded my room and they are sitting on my bed and I am between them crying. Dad is here now too the last invader all in my private space where I came to escape them. And I cannot escape …yes I can yes I can Dad: "So there is two of them for you right now" I don’t really know what he meant but I know how I interpretted it. And I started to scream …The first heart-break occurred and my family was gone now. I had left them in that moment. I abandoned my mother and sister inside myself I stopped loving them in that moment because I could no longer take it. I wrote that night "That rats are the first to leave a sinking ship" I walked the streets alone thru the early morning. I saw some skunks go by and that was something nice for me at least. I found a tree I knew where someone had built a platform up high. I climbed in and spent the night there. It was late autumn or early winter and had rained all night. I was saturated and shivering in the morning. I went to a girls home. Later I got a call from Mom asking to come home. Dad was "flipping out" and something bad would happen if I did not return. I returned home .. .but really I never did. I have been completely alone except for Rocky ever since. — "The less doubler I get, the more me-er I become" AngryTroll
