Freaking out!
Question:
Grace, Oh sweetheart, i’ll keep your spoiler in just in case. * * * */ * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Okay, now honey, take a deep breath. it sounds like you’re sort of in panic mode. in and out. slowly. I just got done eating dinner plus some junk. I am feeling so guilty. I kept having sugar cravings, so I had some cookies. Dumb me. Eating cookies is OK!
Response:
Hi Allison, Thank you so much for responding =) I got through it without problem (WHEW!). (((Sunny))) BTW, I’ll be able to get back to your e mail tomorrow after a drs app, okay? I didn’t forget it! Grace Before you buy.
Response:
i wouldn’t say dumb you. i know the more i deny the cravings, the worse they get and the more i end up bingeing and purging. maybe if i could eat a little bit when i crave it, i could head off the inevitable (or so it feels inevitable) binge. maybe the cravings for sugar are b/c of the grouchy mood. i know i tend to eat in response to whatever i’m feeling. what the heck is with your family making fun of you?? how helpful is that?? one thing i always have trouble realizing is when things are normal or not. it is normal to eat more one day than the next. i know how hard it is when you feel comfortable at a certain level and you go over it but in a way, i think that is growth. stretching what you are comfortable with. i also think it’s normal to have days when things are okay food wise and then days where you struggle-even with the safe amount. again, i think everyone goes through something similar-even those who have never had an ed. the ed hazes-been there. i use grounding techniques to get myself out. holding ice. snapping my wrist with a rubber band. anything to keep my head and feet firmly planted in reality and not floating out in nevernever land. take care.
Response:
Oh my… 9 9 9 9 9 9 9 9 9 9 9 9 9 9 9 9 9 I just got done eating dinner plus some junk. I am feeling so guilty. I kept having sugar cravings, so I had some cookies. Dumb me. I keep walking into the bathroom, locking the door, and looking at a toothbrush wondering if it would help me purge. You prolly all know I only have purged a couple of times in my life. I’m not very good at it, so I choose to restrict when I’m in ED mode. Why do I keep looking at this object with so much hope? Why did I at this crap? I don’t need it. It would have made sense if I would have eaten more REAL food, but no, I have to eat cookies like a fool. I knew what it would do to me as I was eating them, but…I don’t know…I can’t even answer my own question at this point. I’ve been in a grouchy mood all day today. Now my family is downstairs eating, while making fun of me (in a joking manner) as I eat or do anything. Just for fun. I just don’t want to take it right now at all. I just want to tell them to shove their stupid food in their mouths so that they shut up and so they do something CONSTRUCTIVE with their mouths. I feel horribly disgusting, and like I have no motivation at all. I went over (not by a lot) my alloted calories for the day where I feel comfortable. I don’t know what to do. I guess I’ll just sit tight here at the computer and vent a little. I feel like running and running, but it is pouring outside, and I know my family would get all on my case. It’s amazing how one day I feel "well" and okay with eating a little over my allotted "safe" intake, and other times I feel like this. I think a lot of it might have something to do with the fact that I have nothing to do here at home anymore. I just sit around, lay around, type on the computer some more. Ugh. On the other hand, I am not loking forward to going back to college because I know that will be non-stop work. Why does it have to be one of the two extremes with work? Either there’s nothing on vacation, or I am never stopping at school when I am there. It seems like either extreme kills me. Blah blah, I’m getting boring now (yeah, grace…<family makes a face and giggles to each other), so I guess I’ll stop and just hang around the computer some more. I need to sit put for a while because I’m afraid of what I might do. I’m in one of those ED hazes right now– like I’m sleep-walking or something and I know that’s not a good sign. Grace * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
Response:
oops. sent it too early by accident. spoiler still * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * sweetie, I keep walking into the bathroom, locking the door, and looking at a toothbrush wondering if it would help me purge. You prolly all know I only have purged a couple of times in my life. I’m not very good at it, so I choose to restrict when I’m in ED mode. Why do I keep looking at this object with so much hope? i have done this before. i think it’s because i was feeling so out of control, and with the one thing that i was in control of, starving my body, i binged and momentarily lost that control. so the option of purging was what felt like a last resort. you DON’T have to purge grace! honestly you don’t. Why did I at this crap? I don’t need it. It would have made sense if I would have eaten more REAL food, but no, I have to eat cookies like a fool. I knew what it would do to me as I was eating them, but…I your body is probably needing the fat in those cookies. it is very frustrating as it feels so wrong, but your body does know what it needs. you DO need the calories if you have been restricting. even if you have been abstinent for a while your cells may still be starving and in need of nutrients that you aren’t getting. I’ve been in a grouchy mood all day today. Now my family is downstairs eating, while making fun of me (in a joking manner) as I eat or do anything. Just for fun. I just don’t want to take it right now at all. I just want to tell them to shove their stupid food in their mouths so that they shut up and so they do something CONSTRUCTIVE with their mouths. is it possible that there is a connection between being angry at your family and the ed behaviours. i know that there is for me. what i have yet to determine — i am mad and restricting is punishing myself , is restricting punishing them , or is it giving me the control back that i feel i don’t have. looking at what is going on underneath is key for me. I feel horribly disgusting, and like I have no motivation at all. I went over (not by a lot) my alloted calories for the day where I feel comfortable. I don’t know what to do. I guess I’ll just sit tight here at the computer and vent a little. I feel like running and running, but it is pouring outside, and I know my family would get all on my case. in a previous email you sent me, you mentioned your allowed cals per day. i won’t mention them here, but sweetie it’s not enough for your body to be satisfied. i think that maybe the cravings are because you aren’t eating enough. i don’t know if you have planned this out with a nutririonist or not, but i know that a lot of people got these cravings that made them b/p because they weren’t getting enough cals in their meals. it’s the bodies normal reaction. don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s amazing how one day I feel "well" and okay with eating a little over my allotted "safe" intake, and other times I feel like this. I think a lot of it might have something to do with the fact that I have nothing to do here at home anymore. I just sit around, lay around, type on the computer some more. Ugh. On the other hand, I am not loking forward to going back to college because I know that will be non-stop work. Why does it have to be one of the two extremes with work? Either there’s nothing on vacation, or I am never stopping at school when I am there. It seems like either extreme kills me. that could be contributing to your frustration and ed behaviour today. i really understand about the extremes though. i used school and a million activitied to distract myself from feelings and from eating. it was easier that way. having time to yourself can be cery challenging. you are faced with the issues and it’s like there is no where to run. but for me, the time came that i needed to face them and being at home seems like the only way i could. the ed is a confusing baffeling thing that often can’t be explained. (((((grace))) you’re not alone honey. Blah blah, I’m getting boring now (yeah, grace…<family makes a face and giggles to each other), so I guess I’ll stop and just hang around the computer some more. I need to sit put for a while because I’m afraid of what I might do. I’m in one of those ED hazes right now– like I’m sleep-walking or something and I know that’s not a good sign you aren’t boring. i can see that pain you are experiencing through the screen. getting it out can help a lot. can you do something for yourself? something gentle ? read a book, ( non ed) listen to music, write or journal, call a friend? something to take your mind off the food and to distract you from that urge to purge? i’m on IM if you want to talk. I can feel your pain sweetie, but know that going through these feelings as kevin says is a step in the right direction! you are strong grace, and you can make it througj this. Love and sunshine, Allison:)
Response:
i wouldn’t say dumb you. i know the more i deny the cravings, the worse they get and the more i end up bingeing and purging. maybe if i could eat a little bit when i crave it, i could head off the inevitable (or so it feels inevitable) binge.
=) I feel much much better today =) thank you so much for being there! You are right…denying the cravings make things worse in the future, so I guess what I did wasn’t that bad. Now, looking at it, I can’t believe I was freaking out like that. I’m sure I’ll have more moments like that though, and I’ll remind myself that it’s to prevent a future binge. (((Lea)))) maybe the cravings for sugar are b/c of the grouchy mood. i know i tend to eat in response to whatever i’m feeling.
Yeah, it might me that in combination with hormones (PMS). Geesh, I really felt like a MONSTER last night! LOL! < what the heck is with your family making fun of you?? how helpful is that??
My family tends to like to pick on each other for fun. I am guilty for dong it too. People who come to visit are alarmed…they say, "Why did he/she say that to you? Aren’t you upset? Why did you say that to them?" It’s strange because we al laugh and have a good time when it is happening, but afterwards, I feel bad, and the comments run through my head…wondering if they really meant it, or it was just a joke, you know? <<i know how hard it is when you feel comfortable at a certain level and you go over it but in a way, i think that is growth. stretching what you are comfortable with.
Hey, you know what? You are RIGHT! That is great =) I never thought about it that way. What a grat insight…I alwasy thought of it as a negative, but it’s really just me trying to help myself. Oh my gosh. I can’t believe I never saw that before as a positive! the ed hazes-been there. i use grounding techniques to get myself out. holding ice. snapping my wrist with a rubber band. anything to keep my head and feet firmly planted in reality and not floating out in nevernever land.
I will be sure to try those things next time. They sound like great ways of snapping yourself out of that horrible floating/distance feeling. Thank you so much, Lea Grace * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
Response:
Grace, Based on the response starfisher got earlier from lullabye, I’d blow this off. There is no way in the world somebody could have mistaken your post unless they’re here looking for attention. There have been a couple of normal-appearing posts from her and a couple of really out-there ones. I think we have a troll in our midst, or else someone who’s just highly insensitive. jodie
Response:
Lullaby…why in the world would you think I was a *writer*? I don’t understand. I have been a part of this supportive newsgroup for quite some time, and love the people here. How can you sit there and accuse me of trying to get attention? It angers me to the *Nth* degree. I don’t appreciate being called a liar or an attention-getter for absolutely *no reason* at all. I feel, and always have, that is my only place to express my real emotions. If you find them "fake", you are *way* out of the ballpark on this one and this really hurts me a lot. I guess my life doesn’t deserve to be posted, and my thoughts are too stupid to write. Well, bottom line is I feel sorry for you for not being able to tell that that was a *real* situation, and a very scary one for me at that. Grace * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
Response:
attension grabbing garbage for someplace else. This is a serios illness. * Sent from AltaVista http://www.altavista.com Where you can also find related Web Pages, Images, Audios, Videos, News, and Shopping. Smart is Beautiful
Response:
i may have missed some post but Grace sounds soooo sooo much like CrazyAnne. it’s soooo sportcoat with elbow patches. thanks fke. anyway. grace – try to eat the darn cookies you’re body must really need it anyway. i know easier said than done.
Response:
Lullaby, Thank you for your apology. i realize that you do not know her, but we do, and so that’s why we jumped to her defence. I am glad that you can recognize when you made a mistake and acknowledge that mistake. I hope that i can be shown another, non judgemental side of you and that with that effort, i will be able to forgive you. good luck with everything. Allison:)
Response:
attension grabbing garbage for someplace else. This is a serios illness.
okay, well i’m not going to waste my time with this but to say that Grace is a wonderful friend, supportive and loving. she does NOT joke around with her serious illness and writing what she is feeling is NOT attenTion grabbing. Please think before you write such an insensitive post. Allison
Response:
I would like to say that I am Sorry for my comments to Grace about her being an attension seeker. I was out of line and spoke harshly. I am deeply sorry. To all those who e-mailed me I pray that you don’t hold that one post against me. To Grace keep up the fight, good luck in the future. * Sent from AltaVista http://www.altavista.com Where you can also find related Web Pages, Images, Audios, Videos, News, and Shopping. Smart is Beautiful
Response:
Hi Sunny =)=) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – spoiler still * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * i have done this before. i think it’s because i was feeling so out of control, and with the one thing that i was in control of, starving my body,i binged and momentarily lost that control. so the option of purging was what felt like a last resort.
That is exactly what it felt like, Sunny! I didn’t do it though, and ended up being totally fine the rest of the night after watching Mrs. Doubtfire on FOX! LOL! you DON’T have to purge grace! is it possible that there is a connection between being angry at your family and the ed behaviours. i know that there is for me. what
<i have yet to determine — i am mad and restricting is punishing myself , is restricting punishing them , or is it giving me the control <back that i feel i don’t have. looking at what is going on underneath <is key for me. Yes, I think there is. I ten to do it more when I am angry at them, or at anything…also when I am really sad (which makes sense). The ED mindset though is usually unbreably rough with me when I am angry. It is really hard to pinpoint what is going on underneath because of all of the numbing this does, but you are right. I’ll try ti figure out EXACTLY what causes me to do this in the future…maybe write it down or something. I feel horribly disgusting, and like I have no motivation at all. in a previous email you sent me, you mentioned your allowed cals per day. i won’t mention them here, but sweetie it’s not enough for your body to be satisfied. i think that maybe the cravings are because you aren’t eating enough.
Yeah, it’s kind of amazing, because the cravings aren’t as bad as they used to be since I upped the intake, but they are, of course, still there. I have been trying to work out a plan that would add some more in…sneakily, so that it doesn’t bother me…you know, a handful of something here and there =) I think a lot of this this week has to do with PMS unfortunately! LOL! i really understand about the extremes though. i used school and a million activitied to distract myself from feelings and from eating. it was easier that way. having time to yourself can be cery challenging. you are faced with the issues and it’s like there is no where to run. but for me, the time came that i needed to face them and being at home seems like the only way i could. the ed is a confusing baffeling thing that often can’t be explained.
I know, girl…I remember when you always had so much stuff to do! Are you still singing? I am sure you are!!! =) Your recovery process has been SO impressive, Allison, that your advice means the world to me. (((Allison))) You alwasy make me feel better. I look up to you and your recovery process so much. I just am so proud of you… Grace * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
